40 ISSUE 41 AMERICA'S
FINEST NEWS SOURCE
13 OCTOBER 2004
Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers
to help you find your perfect living space:
* Before beginning your apartment
search, pick up all the clothes your girlfriend threw out into the street.
* Always meet the landlord before signing the lease. That way, you can
get a feel for whether he's the kind of guy who will put miniature cameras
* Wear your special apartment-hunting fedora, so landlords will know
* Craigslist.org can be a reliable source for urban apartment hunters
and people who like to get peed on.
* Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month's rent.
This is known as "asshole money."
* Remember that, as with any sort of hunting, it's important to bring
the right size gun.
* Living above a bar might seem cool, but it's wise to check out the
jukebox before signing the lease.
* When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob
before going in. If it's hot, don't open it. The backdraft could blow
you clear across the street.
* Learn what the ads actually mean. For example, "close to public
transportation" can mean "close to people who use public transportation,"
and "charming" often means "an 80-year-old live-in landlady
who will tromp around the building in nothing but a rotting nylon nightgown."
* Never underestimate the importance of hardwood floors and exposed
brick. If you do not have the budget to afford an apartment that boasts
these features, consider living in a coal chute.
* Many real-estate agents and brokers will try to take advantage of
you, as if you were some kind of chump. Inform them early on that you're
not some kind of chump.